DuckieDroplets

其实我没有人家想得那么坚强
我是在逞强
其实很希望别人来帮助我
可是却没有任何人出现
任何事情都是我一个人解决
于是大家开始信任我拜托我做事
我也开始有点得意忘形了
不过是逞强而已
其实我也希望能尽情的撒娇试试

~摘自死神的歌谣

I’m not as strong as everyone thinks
I’m just pretending to be tough
I really hope that somebody would help me
But so far, usually nobody turns up
So I end up solving all the problems alone
Then everyone started believing in my abilities and asked my help
At first I thought it was fun, so I held my noes a little too high,
But I realized, that I was only pretending..
I really hope to be pampered as much as everybody else.

~From "Momo, the girl-god of death"

It never actually occured me before, but suddenly I really don’t know where am I heading. Ever since my return to start my 2nd semester, I’ve been revolving around the same question:

What am I going to be in the future?
What would my career be like?

What made me think, like SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY think? Well, a few of my friends around me are graduating… and they are partly in the same field: Conducting and composing. If you ask me last semester I might tell you: I’d be a conductor of course. But after learning for a semester and starting my second one, I found out conducting is NOT easy. I knew it was HARD in the first place… but I really didn’t expect the impact would be so big.

It would be HARDER for me than most of my conducting mates because:
I AM A GIRL.

Well, I know it would be harder for girls to LEARN and master the skill. But I’m not talking about that… the harder things are to learn, the more I like them. It’s "Gender Discrimination" that I’m talking about over here. Something that isn’t in the control of my hands. Don’t tell me there’s no such thing anymore, because I’m experiencing right here, on grounds… hard cold grounds. My dean obviously favors guy-conductors over girls… (my teacher is an exception, he adores me.. HEHEHE.) But in the conducting depart. there’s around 15 teachers, around half teaches conducting and almost half of those favors guy over girls.

Now I think back… Conducting isn’t actually a PASSION. It’s more like a hanger to hang all my "passions" together… The reason I took conducting is because:
1) I love the piano! I can play the piano well, but not well enough to become people like Lang Lang or YunDi Li…I have extremely short fingers that wouldn’t fit as a pianists… And the world doesn’t need another piano teacher…
2) I also LOVE the cello. I can play the cello rather well too, but not well enough to become YoYo Ma or Jaclyn Du’pre, plus I started the Cello at a very late age: 14. So, even with talents, it would be tough for me to race along with other cellist in the world.
3) I love singing too! I can sing very well also, and I have a good voice. But there’s already enough singers in the world, and what could you be if you take up opera-singing? An OPERA singer~ (sweat!). Pop singers? You think it’s THAT easy to step into that industry meh? My voice is some-what pop-dead, I can’t yell any note pass the octave after middle C.
4) I have a thing for Art as well… drawing, sketching, graphics, photoshopping… I can DRAW and I am definitely creative. And people that draw and sketch better than me are a whole lot out there… but the percentage of people that’s as musical talented as I am is much more smaller.
5) Oh, I love to ACT as well! I love being in somebody’s shoes, imagining what their lives would be and totally make a fool of myself in front of audiences. Drama trainers and story-telling-teachers say "I’m a natural"
6) I’m a language person… so I have good language skills, both writing and speaking. And I pick up languages very quickly.
7) Actually I also can study… My science is pas-sable, my maths is quite good, I love history, geography is managable. So I can take up quite a lot of other studying paths.
Oh, I love managing too… I like people to people relationships, I LOVE planning ahead and getting people together. My biggest living prove would be The LittleNoise Choir.
9) How can I forget this: I can COMPOSE too~ My first original work was when I was 7 years old. I wrote a short Erhu Solo piece with Piano Accompaniment… then my latest would be a FULL MUSICAL, including 12 songs, choral arranged and double pianos as accompaniment. I also wrote the script and planned everything…

People say I’m born for the stage, I believe that too… i LOVE the stage. I love the spotlight, and the applauses and love showering you from your audience as you take a huge bow after a wonderful show that came from a LOT of hard work. But having TOO many things that you are capable of is actually quite tiring, especially coming to making choices… I had a REALLY hard time choosing "Conducting"…

Because I am good at a lot, but not GREAT at them. So if I did any of those I listed above alone, I’d be "nothing-much". And I don’t want to be "nothing-much". PLUS, I LOVE to do all of those, it would be heart-breaking to say DON’T do that, you can only CHOOSE bla bla bla. Hence, I chose Conducting… because Conducting you can
1) MUST play the piano
2) Knowing the cello is an advantage, cuz you’ll know and understand more about string instruments
3) Singing is also an advantage especially when it comes to Operas and Musicals and Choral Conducting
4) Art? A good art-person is a good conductor!
5) Being a conductor, you’ll have to be a fool in front of your orchestra team-mates.
6) If you conduct in different places, you must learn new languages quickly!
7) There’s a LOT to study to become a conductor…
A conductor is a leader, and a leader MUST know how to manage
9) We get to learn composing when they train you to become a conductor. Because a conductor needs to see through the eyes of the composer before they bring the music out.

HAHA… I feel better just by typing out everything I listed above. Lolx. But I still have the "Lost" feel. Because I am really starting to doubt whether I would end up as a conductor. And if I DO… where would I be working? There’s a LOT of good conductors out there… Sigh…Where do I start???

Lost.

In winter days as snowflake flies

Lost in the crowd looking at the same blue sky

I once dream of you in a far away place

And since, millions of faces your scent I trace

I need no prove

I seek no truth

I just want to know you

On winter grounds naked foot I pace

Setting fate on a tight race

Snowflakes do guide me quick

Before the heart turns white as it hopelessly seeks

I need no names

I fear no pain

I just want to find you

Reaching my hands out into cold air

Hoping to feel your heartbeat out there

Snowflakes do tell me where

Where is that warmth that melts you away

I need no help

I wear no tear

I. You.

I got two very nice Yuan Xiao (Chinese Valentines) messages:
One from Chen Ke, my 师兄:
煮一碗香喷喷的元宵，
不远千里，
跨过挂满灯笼的街道，
闪过猜灯谜的小摊，
终于送到你的面前，
喜欢么？
是快乐馅的，
快吃呀，别凉了。。。

So warm right? Especially when it’s negative 2 degrees… reading it lifts the edge of your lips along with the heart. Then I got one from Jia Jia, a good friend:

瑞雪积丰门
闪阳照景深
正月赏灯时
围炉思旧尘
笑勘一杯酒
遥举香可闻
恭祝身体好
做个快乐人

It’s nice to see squarish chinese words formed in five down a line… nicer still, to recieve from friends, that reminds you of them who remembers you. I would send messages to everybody I know, but due to my low credit on my phone, let me do it here instead: HAPPY YUAN XIAO TO ALL MY FRIENDS~ Muacks! BEST REGARDS!

It’s the last day of 2007’s Chinese New Year, and lucky me, I get to spend it in Beijing because of all the fireworks going on about everywhere, it makes the atmosphere very different from K.L. And LUCKIER me, my soon to become 学妹 asked me out with her parents to go play fireworks with them just at the school gate. It was really fun… running away from fireworks shooting high above into the dark sky.

Silent nights turning into a noisy place immediately with the help of these noisy human creations… not to mention, smelly and dangerous as well. But all the trouble was worthwhile seeing all the colors sparkle in the sky and dropping down upon you. May I wish upon all the happy fireworks that flies above my head, that all my dreams and hopes will come true. Okay… greedy abit, all my friends’ dreams and hopes will come true as well. =)

A few more hours and it would end. Happy Chinese Valentines to all you singles out there~ Haha… It’s gonna be a new beginning tomorrow, a new start that guarentees a busy semester. Surprising how I don’t feel as though I just had a long term break, as though I’ve been working all the while. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

27th February
I’m resting my brain…
I’ve been up whole night thinking of solutions, of TIME, of PEOPLE.
"Well, and you. If there’s extra practices on saturday nights, there’s a 80% possibility that YOU will not stay. AND you didn’t BLOODY raised up your hands when I asked who has problems. Why I’m concerned?  Because you’re not just an ORDINARY member, you’re the bloody Vice PRESIDNT. The least you can do is COME for every SINGLE practice"

IT WAS SUCH AN ASS fixing the timetable…

If you add time, you’ll LOSE members because either their PARENTS are banging down your door. OR them themselves will be yelling at you, threatening to quit.

BUT if you Don’t ADD time, it’s not like the PEOPLE can sing, and are smart people that’ll get you after the first time you tell them what to do. So, you’ll have to risk not doing well for the concert.

WHICH one you prefer? Add and lose members? OR don’t add and perform horribly?

Hard.
HARD.

That’s all you people say!
How many of you actually sits down at the computer for A BLOODY 8 hours and think of a solution to the problem?

WAIT…
HOW MANY actually KNOWS that there’s a problem? I didn’t TELL???? Wait…HoW did I know the problem? God told me. Because I was good and I did all my prayers so he answered them. PAH! Seriously~

————————————————————————————

I wrote that in a conversation with Pui Mun. I swore to blog it… and here I am doing it.

It’s not easy getting so many different people together all under one roof, so I definitely do not expect any good times from nothing. It’s hard watching people that you’ve brought up and change walking out on you, saying things you cannot bear to hear and stabbing you behind your backs. Some times I really feel as though I’m the only one that actually wants this choir… as though I’m forcing everybody to go through my dream with me… as though I’m some control freak having fun ordering around.

I’m really touched when I see people actually commiting themselves to LittleNoise… when people actually enjoy doing work, enjoy giving and not expecting to recieve anything back. It’s like, I feel like I’m not alone on this. I’m not the only crazy person who’s doing all the crazy stuffs… It’s like I have friends that’s on my side. It’s such a wonderful wonderful feeling when they sit down with me just to discuss what’s been happening to LittleNoise, how they feel and how they want to be part of it.

Thank you guys so much, so very very much. Thanks for proving that the existance of LittleNoise is not only for me, but for everybody else as well. Thanks for proving that the lessons and choir practices are actually fun and worth going to, and the projects we organize is quite a big deal to each and everyone of you:
1) Kok Bing - I need to list you on LittleNoise number one name list. Thank you for showing your passion to LittleNoise because if it didn’t touch your parents, it definitely touched me. Although you… really cannot sing in tune very much, yet you’re passion is stronger than almost EVERYBODY else. GAMBATTE~
…
I suddenly feel like you topped everyone else so much, I dunno who to list on Number two. HAHAHA…

2) Angie - You’ve always been the first one my complaints and frustration reaches out to, and although you sometimes may not be mature enough to understand all of them. But you still stay on the supportive side for LittleNoise. Ever since your first practice with the choir, you’ve always rooted for it with your soul. I hope that part of you will not change as days pass.

3) Zhen Lin - Thanks for doing all the extra chores… you really touched me when you said you couldn’t sleep because you’re worried and stress over the audition day. I’ve been pushed over the cliff (dissapointed) so many times, I’m starting to forget the spirit and energy that I use to possesed when facing the LittleNoise choir. Thank you for reminding me of it, it means a lot.

4) Wu Jun - I really don’t know what to say. You’re the newest LittleNoise member, yet you made me felt really guilty. What makes LittleNoise worth all your support? You’ve done more than what you should already… Haha. I don’t know what to say. LittleNoise should be proud to have you as a member.

6) Rong - You’re the president. Live up to it.

7) Others: Yue, ShuSim, Pui Mun, Benny and all of you.

————————————————————————————–

It’s Saturday again, 8:30pm. You guys probably just finished practicing and are now chattering together… Maybe even going down for dinner to crap about more stuffs.

Being back in Beijing, I felt as though I’ve never left it. School’s about to start, and I can’t wait to see what’s installed for me in the future months. Yet I’m going to miss spending every Saturday evening with my bestest friends. You guys are the only thing I actually dread leaving K.L.

*smiles* All the best for your Midnight Puppet practices…